So heaven gained an angel on Monday 25th September 2017.
This day was the day from hell for me and my family. I lost one of the best men in my life, the man I call my gramps.
Life is so cruel. Gramps was a good man ! he didn’t deserve to die at 70 and he most certainly didn’t deserve to die the way he did, the way a lot of people die nowadays, the big C.
It was just weeks ago when we found out, but things escalated quickly, to quick for any treatment.
He was an inspiring, loving and caring man.
All he ever wanted was the best for me and my family.
Gramps was very quiet, he would keep himself to himself and was hugely independent but that man found out everything it was like he was a fly on the wall and wherever you went he would be there without you knowing! the amount of times he would come up for his tea on a Tuesday evening and say to me ‘what did you get up to at the weekend?!’ and this wasn’t a question, he said it in a way that he already knew I had been out till early hours of the morning in a very drunken state. I will miss his laugh when I would look at him with the ‘oh god’ face.
He used to come up on a Tuesday for his tea. Every week he would have the same, homemade chips, sausages, beans and egg. We would watch things like tipping point, deal or no deal and his favourite The chase. He would sit for ages playing with my niece on the iPad, it was just always a nice family evening, the quality time everyone deserves to have with their family.
When he would go to leave he would always kiss me on the cheek and say ‘don’t work to hard and behave!’ my reply would be ‘you know me gramps good as gold’ with the most sarcastic smile on my face! (we both knew this wasn’t the case)
Its been hard. Stupidly hard.
Iv been feeling numb to the whole situation. I don’t get how I am meant to feel? angry?should I feel some joy? because finally the man I love is out of this horrific pain that he has been put through, hes finally at peace and with my grandmother, the love of his life that we lost 13 years ago.
In all honesty, all I really feel is pain and a lot of it. My gramps has been taken away from me. He is never going to see me walk down the aisle and will never see my first born child ! which I know he would have loved because the love he had for my nieces and nephew was incredible, he adored them and he would have adored mine the same way! He will never know that I wanted my first born son to be called Theodore ‘John’. I will never get to tell him the impact he has had on my life, how happy he made me and the amount of love that I felt for him. I will never see that smile or hear that laugh again. All of these small things mount up to something huge that can never be replaced.
I pray that my gramps and my grandmother will finally be together now and will watch over me and my family. I pray that they will be as proud of me as I am of them !
I hope that they understand that they will forever hold a place in my heart and there will never be a day that goes by that they are not in my thoughts.
My Gramps’s funeral will take place on Friday 13th October. He will have a cremation and then a good old knees up after, this will give us the chance to give him the send off he deserves! I am really am dreading the funeral. This where you get to say your final goodbyes and where it all becomes real and starts to sink in fully. I am already overwhelmed with the emotions not sure I can deal with much more of them.
This has to be the hardest blog I have written. I have struggled so hard to put this into words and even now I feel like this isn’t right and It is not a good enough blog, but will it ever be good enough? will it ever be perfect enough to explain about how much this man meant to me and how much I will miss him? probably not so I will just have to accept this and hope that you all get the gist of what and how I wanted this blog to sound.
Thank you for reading.
RIP – Grampy John -25/09/2017 ‘Forever in our hearts’
Love you always